Purpose. Everyone wants it. We all want to feel vital to something. For me, finding purpose has been a struggle, especially since having kids. I go through seasons where I have a clear picture of what my purpose in life is. And then, unexpectedly, I seem to be lost, driving without directions on the road of life. I often feel I should be doing more with my time, with my life. I feel guilty when I hear what other women are accomplishing with their time. Deep down, I know that guilt feeling is not from God. I know that comparing myself to others is wrong. Comparison is one of the easiest ways for the devil to get us to doubt ourselves and our purpose. Nonetheless, I look around and see someone who is a mom to more kids than I have. And works outside of the home, seems to do more for God. And appears to have it all together. She probably even keeps her house clean. And then there is me. Who seems to fall short in all those areas. Not long ago, I felt like I had purpose. I was part of a wonderful community. I had great people around me to do life with. Then we moved. And that caused my sense of purpose to be shaken. I know it was God’s plan for us to move. But it brings to surface all the feelings of being inadequate. When I struggle with these feelings, it helps for me to take a deeper look and compare “How I feel” with the “Truth”. It is a great exercise to remind myself how much God loves me and what he thinks of me.
Not long ago I was listening to Beyond Me by TobyMac and I had an epiphany.
Is it so crazy to believe/ That you gave me the stars put them out of my reach / Call me to waters a little to deep / Oh I’ve never been so aware of my need / You keep on making me see /It’s way beyond me
I know God has a plan in us moving across the country. I don’t know when, or if I’ll know all the parts of it. But here is what I do know: I am very aware that I need God and I can’t do life on my own. And that realization (which I really have always known but sometimes fill my life up so full and forget) is purpose enough for the move. Sometimes God needs to pull us away from all the things we have built up for ourselves and he needs to break us down so we remember that it’s way beyond us. Right now I feel like I’m in water a little too deep. But I am aware that someone is holding my head up. I hope there will be opportunities to point my arrows out in some way. And I would love to find a new group of people to do life with. But in this moment I can rest assured that my purpose, for now, is learning to be fully dependent on God.